I have a thing that’s holding space. It exists in my life in order to give me something to do while I wait. At it’s best, it’s a distraction from the waiting. It’s not bad or inherently evil. In some ways it connects me to the outside world and (theoretically) helps pay some bills.

But it’s just not mine. It’s not my dream, or my passion. It’s simply holding space for when my dream actualizes—for the thing that lights me up and makes me get out of the bed in the morning. I have glimpses of what it could be…but right now it feels so out reach and unattainable.

So I wait.

And I Noonday.

Over Christmas I felt the Spirit, pressing in asking me to release it back. To let go of this thing that was holding space because somehow it had become more than that. I wrestled, not wanting to give it up. I feel like I am part of something bigger—and it feels good. I don’t know how to fill the empty spaces…I don’t know how to sit in this season of unknowingness. I didn’t want to give it up because at least it’s something.

I whispered the words to a friend testing them out

So, I think I may be done being an ambassador for Noonday. I knew it was a space holder. I just didn’t think it was a one-year thing…

I think we hope our space holders will be more than just temporary. They hold space for a reason, mostly because at some point, it comforts us.

So I loosened my grip and brought myself back into alignment. I remembered who I am at my core. And I felt the invitation to stay here a little longer. It means setting boundaries—not giving all of myself over to this thing that is mine but not. It will mean saying no a lot more and watching some opportunities pass by. But it means I will also be able to say yes to things that matter a little more…and it means I’ll get to go a little deeper when I do say yes.

It means trusting this writing process. So many half-starts and unfinished words littering thousands of spaces on my computer; my dresser drawers over-flow with journals…I let that defeat me. I started to believe that was all I would have to show. Instead of trusting that as long as I come back to this place again and again, it will bear fruit. This is not wasted time, nor wasted effort.

It means getting back to my roots—I’m a story-teller. I’m a lover of words. I’m a lover of collaboration and peace-making. Whatever I do can be a part of that, but writing is my “way back to life” (Stephen King, On Writing). It’s how I make the world make some semblance of sense to me.

What about you? What are the things that are holding space in your life? And how do you come back to yourself when your space holders become more than that?

4 Comments on on filling empty spaces

  1. Love the explanation of “space holders’ in our lives. I am embarrassed to admit my space holders would be mindless hours of senseless TV. Fear of adding too much scheduled needs to my life because i then wouldn’t have the time for those things that do pop up here and there and fill my life space.

    I also love your writing. Keep going. I’m reading.

  2. Wow. I so connected with your words. At first I thought of what it is I do when life gets a little overwhelming for me and I want to escape–something I’ve been discussing with my counselor. But then I started thinking about my new job. It is a job I love and a job that I am good at, but it really isn’t my first love. I too am compelled by words. I want to write, but more, I want to speak. I want to be out there sharing words of hope and encouragement. For now I will enjoy this “holding space.”

    • I think that’s it right there. Noonday is low-risk for me and so rather than coming back to this space where I feel defeated, I can promote Noonday sales and book trunk shows. Writing requires bravery and perseverance and showing up day after day. I love Noonday; I believe in what they do and hope to be an Ambassador in some capacity for a long while still. But my brave is making sure I stay close to my roots and continue to plug away at this no matter the fruit it looks like it’s bearing.

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