I am not breathing.

I noticed it yesterday. Every time I tried to take a deep breath, my lungs took in only so much oxygen. I felt them stop. My body literally can not relax.

There are reasons for this. And I’m sure it’s happened before in my life when I have  experienced emotional distress and I just haven’t noticed. The cleanse facilitated this awareness. (Here are parts one and two) I began to sense and feel the connection between my body and spirit more firmly.

I feel rooted and a little more established in my voice, my wisdom, and my intuition. I trust my gut a little more.

So I’m noticing the breathing pattern. I am sensing how my body is in distress and I am caring for it as best as I can. I’m accepting where I am. I accept my limited view. I acknowledge my weakness.

And I hold space for and love my body as it signals that it’s hurting—just like my soul-spirit is hurting.

I stop when I need too.

I silence the words and voices.

Yesterday that looked like leaving a meeting early, coming home to watch a movie. A little later I went over to a friend’s house who helped me make curtains.

Today that looks like putting Gloria in charge of making lunch so I could sit and write as I continue to process through what my body is sensing, what my spirit is sensing and searching for wisdom and discernment. 

For almost a year the only prayer that passed my lips was a breath prayer.

I breathe God in. I breathe God out into the world.

I am praying that again. In peace. In surrender. In hope. In love.

I am praying it in recognition that my breath is weak and failing and limited. Yet still there.

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